On Needing Certainty Now
Imagine, for a moment, that you are an Israelite at the foot of Har Sinai. Over the past few weeks, your life has been turned upside down: you have witnessed mind-boggling miracles, you have been freed from slavery, and you have been brought out into the wilderness, to the bottom of Har Sinai. Too scared to go up the mountain (Exod. 19:18, 23), you and your fellow Israelites remain camped out below as Moses goes up and down, eventually staying up on top as God teaches him and prepares the Tablets. You know that you are going somewhere that you should consider home鈥攖o be sure, a place that you have never seen鈥攁nd you know that many of your practices must change. You know that God is so awesome that being in their presence is scary. And now your leader鈥攚hom you are still learning to trust鈥攈as disappeared into the clouds. What is an Israelite to do? How is one to cope with the extreme uncertainty and the drastic changes with which they are faced?
In the Mei Hashiloah, the Izbitzer (R. Mordechai Yoseif Leiner, 1801鈥�1854) that the story of the Golden Calf appears just after God had taught Moses about the Sabbath. The Israelites, he says, knew that Moses had just learnt these laws, and thus anticipated the complete redemption, 鈥渢he day that will entirely be the Sabbath鈥� (), at which time God鈥檚 plans and needs will be known with certainty. Reflecting on the lack of clarity in their own current situation, the Israelites turned to Aaron and created the Golden Calf, 鈥渇or truly, the creation of the Golden Calf was because they wanted God to show them his order and his ways for all time鈥� (). The Israelites needed certainty, and they needed it now. And so, they turned to Aaron and received the Golden Calf, a leader that will not budge, one that will not disappear into the clouds nor criticize their ways鈥攁 reliable thing that will give them what they want, when they want it.
We all know what happens next. God lets Moses know what鈥檚 up. Moses gallantly defends the Israelites, but when he comes down the mountain, the sight is so difficult that he breaks the tablets. The Golden Calf is destroyed, and many Israelites are killed in punishment.
While Moses is distraught, somehow, he gets himself through the ordeal. He even gets the Israelites (or at least, some of them) through it as well, as he convinces God not to destroy the nation. The tablets are remade, this time by Moses鈥檚 hands.
But when those first tablets were broken, something in Moses broke too. And to get through his despair, he now needs to know that God will remain with the Israelites. He needs God to be seen鈥攐stensibly so that it be known that God鈥檚 people have gained favor (Exod. ), but ultimately because Moses himself wants to behold God鈥檚 presence (Exod. ). Moses asks to see God鈥攈e asks for something tangible that can prove God鈥檚 presence, so that he can be certain of God鈥檚 favor towards him and the Israelites. In the end, God acquiesces, but with a catch: God agrees only to show him their back, as God鈥檚 face 鈥渕ust not be seen鈥� (Exod. ).
Seeing the back of God teaches Moses that God indeed loves and cares for the People of Israel. According to the Talmud (), God showed him the knot (kesher) of their head tefillin (tefillin shel rosh), a sign that, , 鈥渨e鈥濃�攖he People of Israel鈥斺�渁re connected (mekusharin) to God.鈥� But in the context of Moses鈥檚 progress in the parshah, it is clear that this is something that he needs for himself. The difficult, tragic, and even violent events surrounding the receiving of the Torah have tested his own faith in the People of Israel and in their unique relationship with God.
And there is more: not only is there a catch鈥擥od reveals himself, but only in a minimal, if symbolically laden, fashion鈥攂ut there is also a price. For when Moses now comes back to the people, they cannot look at him, as 鈥渢he skin of his face was radiant鈥� (Exod. ). Moses received the clarity he was looking for; God gave him the sign, if indirectly. But the sign left its mark, and now Moses鈥攚ho has never been a man of words鈥攎ust speak through a veil.
We all need that certainty. We find comfort in knowing that our beliefs are correct, either because we share them with a crowd or because we have found some other sign that makes us feel vindicated. As we see in this week鈥檚 parshah, a major part of the Israelites鈥� growth is coming to terms with uncertainty, learning that quick confirmation can be nothing more than an idol. And so too does Moses grow in a similar fashion鈥攈is need for affirmation in the face of doubt consumes him, and he is transfigured by the sign that God gives him, left not unrecognizable but at a permanent disconnect from others. We all desire that certainty, but so too must we all acknowledge the toll that conviction can take.
The publication and distribution of the 91快播 Commentary are made possible by a generous grant from Rita Dee (z鈥漧) and Harold Hassenfeld (z鈥漧).
